Tractors!!

[Sir Rupert]

The other day I was bimbling down a narrow country lane when a bl**dy great tractor came round a bend smack in front of me. If I had been doing more than about 25mph, and if there hadn't been a field entrance just to my left I would have got mashed. The tractor was pulling a heavily laden articulated trailer-thingy and had no chance of stopping in time.

Those of us of a certain age might remember tractors as being small, grey things made by Massey Fergusson which chugged and trundled round the fields. Unfortunately, these are only seen nowadays at steam fairs, vintage vehicle rallies and as models in gift shops. Tractors these days are gigantic green and yellow things. You don’t see these in fields, they are only to be found bounding down country lanes at un-tractor like speeds. Because of the balloon tyres, they bounce and lurch all over the place like a hippopotamus on Ecstacy. They also shower clods of mud right, left and centre. Plus, they are usually adorned with one of the vast array of spiky attachments beloved by farmers, so that any attempt to overtake them is likely to leave you feeling like one of those cheese and pineapple cube things on cocktail sticks that you used to see at party buffets in the 70's.

Now don’t get me wrong, I realise that tractors are necessary and need to move from field to field. I am also not opposed in principle to big and bouncy. In fact there are some things which are improved by being big and bouncy    ….yes…definitely….hmmmm….yes…    …. well as I was saying, I just wish they could be driven with a little more consideration, as the last thing you want to see on rounding a bend is one of these things bearing down on you at speed whilst filling the whole width of the road.

They also have an un-nerving tendency to dive left or right into fields and tracks which aren't always very easy to spot from a following position. The fact that the driver is 17 and listening to Spotify on his Apple iPhone with headphones from 10 feet above you in his cab means that he probably won't have seen you or bother to use his indicators, which will be covered in cow poo anyway.

OK, rant over: sorry all you farmers out there   

[TYKE]

Where we live is extremely agricultural, we have four large working farms in our village alone, and its a tiny village (less than 100 population) nearly all of the commercial industry here is agriculture, so I have seen (in fact every single day they pass our house) very large tractors, some Green and Yellow, some Red, some Blue, some White and some even metallic Burgundy, they are BIG and fill our small country lanes almost 80%  they travel at all times,

I have to plan my biking journeys very carefully as I can only get to better 'B' or 'A'  roads by travelling there along our country lanes also watching out for hedge flailing operations !

I expect the unexpected around every bend and there is often a tractor lurking, or, at the moment Combined Harvesters, both of which will be working long into the night at harvest time. The field that we overlook is about 35 acres, it was harvested last week by two Combined Harvesters and accompanying grain collecting tractors and trailers, two days later the straw left behind was baled up, that same evening the bales were removed, then the field was spread with  liquified cow sh*t (slurry) and as I write this message it is being spread with Tillage, I imagine that within the next week or so (depending on weather) that the field (and all others) will be 'ploughed in' then rotovated, every one of these procedures utilises a Bloody BIG Tractor, so the roads will be covered in mud and crap very soon

It's a bit of a bugger if you ride a motorbike unless its an 'Off Roader"     

So, Sir Rupert, I know exactly what you are experiencing be careful at all times, leave your visor up so you can hear, ride slow, cover your brakes and be prepared to take avoiding action    

[Sir Rupert]

  You are, of course, quite right Tyke.
But do you remember when people used to talk about 'The peace and quiet of the countryside.' ? 

Here's a cautionary tale for you: some years back I was watching one of those police/camera/action/motorway/traffic cop programs on TV. An accident investigator had been called to an incident in Yorkshire involving a motorbike and a tractor. It seems that the bike was in the process of overtaking the tractor, when the tractor turned right into a field. The bike hit the tractor on the rear nearside and the rider went over the handlebars. His head got stuck between the right side of the tractor chassis and the inside of the offside tyre. This neatly removed the rider's helmet...with his head still inside it  That story made quite an impression on me 

[TallyRex]

I've encountered those behemoths in the No Ga mountains and fortunately it was at a straight section of the road and not in a blind corner.

More importantly, your post was very well written and humorous.  Thanks 

[Sir Rupert]

Thank you TallyRex, I glad you enjoyed it.